I can’t claim responsibility for this, I’m afraid, but it looks like someone hates that cunt Doherty as much as me and worked the Godlike genius of Jimmy and Bill into their little fantasy:

FURY AS DOHERTY TRUTH REVEALED

The Samaritans have today recruited 600 extra staff to deal with an expected surge in calls as troubled fans come to terms with today’s revelations about rocker and teen icon Pete Doherty. In a surprise press conference today, the men behind Doherty’s career reveled themselves – and admitted that the Libertines, Babyshambles, the tales of drug use, the armed robberies and the affair with supermodel Kate Moss have all been part of one of the largest hoaxes in British history.

The men behind the scandal – Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, who were themselves infamous popstars under the name The KLF – admitted how they plucked a young Buddy Holly impersonator Doherty from obscurity and made him a media darling. “It was a meant to be a quick stunt to show the frailties of our celbrity-obsessed culture,” said Cauty, adding, “there are too many people who are famous despite their lack of talent, usefulness and basic intelligence. We wanted to do something that held a mirror up to that.” Mr Drummond called Britain’s pop-culture “sick” and said that although he regretted the hurt caused to Doherty’s many fans, he hoped “this incident taught us all some important things”.

In a prepared statement, the two men – famous for many other pop pranks, including the famous burning of GBP1million on a remote Scottish island – detailed how they manipulated the British Press into making Doherty an icon. Doherty – whose real name has now been revealed to be Trevor McDermott – was making a living as a part-time Buddy Holly impersonator in the Cornwall holiday circuit. He began a short-lived affair with the singer of a well known 80’s rock band, and was introduced to Drummond and Cauty at a backstage party in London’s West End. The men described how a drunken McDermott amused them with his slurred singing and frenetic dance movements, and how they then realised that this would be the perfect “dupe” for a plan they had been hatching for some time.

“The plan involved proving three theories we have about current British society,” reads the statement. “The first is that in the so-called “alternative” scene, everybody is too scared of missing The Next Big Thing to worry about anything else.” To prove this, some session musicians were provided to compose the rest of the “band”, The Libertines, and rumours of exposive gigs were leaked to the media. “The gigs in question never actually took place, but we didn’t have to worry about that. Soon the buzz around The Libertines was so frenetic, journalists were falling over themselves to claim to have been at the front of every single fictional gig.” Within weeks, The Libertines were appearing on magazines and receiving record offers. Gigs sold out in minutes, while their first album “Up The Bracket” flew off shelves.

Feeling that their first point had been proved, Drummond and Cauty moved to their second theory: “We feel that our culture has become an enormous soap opera. We don’t care what a person thinks, or creates, or contributes. We just care about what they do in their normal lives. Especially when it’s something they shouldn’t be doing.”

To demonstrate this, the men co-ordinated a number of scandals. First was a robbery staged in the house of one of the band members. When this took place, McDermott (aka Doherty) was unknown outside of the alternative music scene. An incident of this calibre was sufficient, however, to catapult McDermott onto the front page of every major national tabloid. “One day we has just another singer, the next day he was ‘Disgraced Celebrity Rocker‘, and he hasn’t been out of the papers since”. Further revelations about drug abuse and violence kept McDermott and The Libertines on the front pages for months.

One thing that took even Drummond and Cauty by surprise was the affair with model Kate Moss. “That was not something that we planned or had any involvement. Whether she knew about the hoax is something we are not party to. We have never had any contact with Miss Moss.” However, this was the boost their project needed – where the drugs and crime had made McDermott a media sensation, the relationship with one of fashion’s most famous women catapulted him into the world of true celebrity. “While we had not planned this, it certainly proved our point. There are many superior artists in the country today, but they never appear in Heat or The Sun, because they don’t have the words ‘boyfriend of Kate Moss‘ after their name.”

Despite this boost, the project began running into a major setback for Drummond and Cauty. Just as they were preparing to enter the final phase of their scheme, Doherty decided that he wanted to part company with them, the fake band, and begin seriously recording music. He stopped all contact with the men, and threatened legal actions if any details were leaked to the press. “We were upset at the apparent failure of our grand project, and also at the monster we had created in Pete Doherty. Our third theorem – that ‘If enough people say that a piece of s*** is a bar of gold, we’ll believe it’s a bar of gold’ – seemed to have been beyond salvation. Fortunately, at that point Pete released the first Babyshambles album.”

In the time since then, Drummond and Cauty have been locked in a vicious legal battle, which was eventually settled out of court by the discovery of a videotape showing McDermott singing “Peggy Sue” at a Butlin’s in Devon. Publicly, McDermott still strongly denies all charges. How this affects the future career of Pete Doherty remains to be seen.

And while I’m on the subject of using other people’s material and worshipping the JAMMs, check out the Trancecracker page here: http://www.ishkur.com/articles/trancecracker.php

Remember, Bill and Jimmy left the music industry for our sins!
Now, I’ve got a great collection of early Hawkwind demos that needs my attention. Peace out, kids…
Seen any more interesting Doherty-hate out there on the GlobalInterWebNet? Email mrangry@poptunes.org and share.

So declares the innocent young thing in the advert for everyone’s favourite horses and horse riding weekly publication.

So what’s this got to do with the lovely (if slightly dim) Alison Goldfrapp? Well, la Goldfrapp, in the throes of her retro-chic lifestyle, doesn’t seem to be satisfied with foisting endless monotonous monosynth dirges on us that aren’t even worthy of Gary Numan’s Oxfam parcel. No she’s gone and resurrected that classic, BBC-annoying, theme of the thinly-veiled-drug-reference.

Drug references in music are quite acceptable, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna get all high-and-mighty on your asses while I’m sat here in Angry Towers surrounded by my crack-whore assassins, oh no. Drugs are cool, kids, and don’t let The Man tell you otherwise. Go out there and write songs about them, write movies and books about them (but please don’t put Courtney Love in them, talentless cumbucket that she is), but get it out in the open. Don’t think you’re clever just because you wrote a song that, on first glance, appears to be about combining your love of all things equine and dancing in some sweaty club ’til your tits are about to fall off.

I want to ride on a white horse, indeed…not since The Stranglers flaunted Golden Brown and The Shamen treated us to Ebeneezer Goode have the BBC looked so daft by all at once trying to appear prim and proper, banning records that mention evil drug taking and still blindly playing this stuff because it doesn’t have a photo on the cover of the artist with a needle hanging out of their arm.

In the midst of all this, though, props have to be given to Musical Youth for Pass The Dutchie, I mean those kids had real balls appearing on Blue fucking Peter and banging on about how it was all about living in a big family and passing the cooking pot around at meal times. Respect where it’s due brothers, keep smokin’ dat haaaaaash.
Anyways…I’m getting off track, here. Alison Goldfrapp….RAGH! Just fuck off, will you? Look, I’ll show you how rubbish Ride On A White Horse is:

There you go, scientific proof that Goldfrapp are shit. You don’t need Carol Vorderman to interpret that for you…

Right, spleen duly vented, nursey tells me it’s quiet-time now, so crank up the amp, stick on some Tangerine Dream and warm up that lava lamp…

As always, let me know what’s getting your goat, llama, sheep or whatever in the world of pop. Answers on a postcard to : mrangry@poptunes.org

Do you know what’s really pissing me off at the moment? Pete fucking Doherty, that’s what.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh on the sad little skag-head…it’s not his fault he’s acting like a total cunt, the sorta filth he’s been doing recently does that shit to you. And, no, I’m not just talking about the drugs here..getting up on stage with Elton John at Live8 was about as bad a judgment call as can be made and don’t even get me started on his ex-super-model-suction-pump-girlfriend.

You see, it’s not Pete Doherty, per se, that’s getting on my tits at the moment; it’s the fucking press and their insistence on reporting every little screw up that the guy makes as if we actually give a shit.

Ooo…shock-horror! Pete Doherty’s been busted with a gram of coke in his pocket.

Egads! Pete Doherty’s been done for drink driving.

Man alive! Pete Doherty didn’t turn up at court.

World To End Tomorrow! Pete Doherty didn’t turn up at a gig.

Why is none of this surprising? The guy’s a FUCKING DRUG ADDICT!!! The sooner the music press get their tiny heads around this, obviously difficult to deal with, fact and get on with writing about music and other vaguely related items our lives will be a whole lot more bearable and Pete Doherty can rot away in a cell somewhere in a modicum of peace and quiet.

For fuck’s sake…the press didn’t even cotton on to the the fact that no one’s interested when they ran a story on how hardly anyone turned up outside the courts to see him on one of his recent appearances. Can the clues be any more obvious? Come on, guys…

The final straw in this for me was after hearing on the radio (6music are the worst offenders for ambulance chasing Doherty’s car-crash life) day after day, for about a week, that he had failed to turn up to the previous night’s show. Then over the weekend he actually did turn up for a show at the Rescue Rooms in Nottingham (admittedly an hour or so late) and managed to do a whole set with his band Babyshambles (I feel for those guys, I really do). Did it get reported anywhere? Did it even receive a review in the mainstream press, good or bad? Did it fuck. The gutter music press hacks aren’t interested in him when he’s actually doing his job.

This is fair enough, they’re a shite band and he’s just a talentless, but lucky, junkie who somehow managed to score a decent bag of coke and a few blowjobs off Kate Moss. But it’s the press’ unfathomable self-conviction that we’re somehow interested in watching his life crash and burn in a manner Evel Kenievel would have been proud of now that his luck has run out that I’m just fed up of.

Right…that’s that little lot off my chest…I’m off to listen to Tubular Bells and hug a tree.

(email Mr Angry at mrangry@poptunes.org if anything’s pissed you off recently and you feel like sharing)